An incident took place yesterday, and I found myself imagining what would happen if it became one of the plots on a TV crime drama, like that old 80s police show "Hill Street Blues"...
The scene was a mess. Reported at 0100 hours on May 17 by homeowner. Garbage strewn all over the area...was there a party? Was there a violent struggle? Hard to tell. But the evidence of a disruption is clear. Food, bottles, other debris surrounding the female victim, identified as P. Propylene, who seems to have been dragged to this wooded area. The thick vegetation here and continuous rain have obliterated any chance of collecting a good footprint.
Here's what we know: Although gender is unknown, past like crimes indicate that the suspect is approximately three feet tall, weighs between 150 and 200 pounds and tends to wear warm, dark attire. The suspect's pattern is to trespass, destroy property and leave the scene of a crime before his or her actions can be discovered. This pattern seems to occur throughout the spring and summer - must be otherwise occupied in the fall and winter, although we're not sure what he/she does or where he/she goes.
The suspect goes by the alias Ursus Americanus and can be found hanging out in wooded areas, clearings and anywhere there is some good food to be had - seems to have an especial weakness for peanut butter. While not necessarily dangerous, do not approach, as the suspect can be unpredictable. The suspect is also much more clever than you may think - can easily open secured areas and containers, remove the contents and discard the rest, then retreat to an as-yet unknown hiding place so as to elude authorities.
If you do come in contact with the suspect, tell him or her to go hang out at the neighbors' house.
"Hey - let's be careful out there."
- by Victoria Stanish, Daily Press Editor